How did I get here?
Ever ask yourself that question?
I once thought about writing on Intuition and Love a while ago. But I wasn’t ready. I had to decide how transparent I wanted to be.
Then I realized that I needed to see how the two overlap. I didn’t have enough knowledge. Or so I thought… but I DID have the experience. I mean, this is hard writing, I thought… where is my capacity to speak on this?
How can I speak on this without true experience?
Then I thought about it. I guess true experience is the BEST teacher, sometimes. I had to go deep within myself to find answers, but I think mostly I had to ask myself, first – how did I get here? When we ask ourselves honest questions, sometimes we get honest answers.
I was in a relationship that went south. I mean all the way south. Like worse than cheating. It was humiliating. And I had to pick myself up with all of the dignity I had left and determine within myself and ask myself:
Did I ever want to be in relationship with this person again?
Did I trust ever again being able to trust this person with my well-being, my life, my friendship?
And the answer was a resounding “No.”
Not to say that person couldn’t change one day, but I had been in hell with them, and they basically let me sink to the bottom of the pit. People like that don’t deserve my trust. That’s what I determined in side. Even my dreams spoke to it. I mean, I asked God:
“Show me his heart.”
So check this out – Spirit showed me this – once I was still :
I had a dream I was in a car , and my significant other was driving…. (this was before all of the stuff went down – and you know I didn’t want to say stuff, right ? I’m just being polite.) – and so in the dream he drove both of over a cliff, he got out of the car and saved himself, and I kept drowning. In the back seat though, was the most kindest and most beautiful person I had ever known and they represented GOODNESS in my life. I found out through this dream, God was speaking. Because Goodness saved me. And Goodness was what I had been neglecting all along.
So now here’s what’s true: Without introspective questions, I would have never kept my life so sacred. And sacredness was what I was all about, in that season of my life. I had to find myself again. And in the true essence of who I was, I had to determine where had I lost my soul. My mind – where was it? My will – why did I give it away? And my emotions – why did they numb out ?
That’s what I did when I lost my soul, My ability to decide… I lost my thought life. I gave away what was most sacred – my own personal opinion and thoughts – to someone else. And THAT was NOT OK.
My whole life had been turned upside down because I put all my trust in one person. And I thought: ” How had he become my God?
I had not been intuitive. I had not thought about the love I was NOT experiencing. I just wanted to be with him. Not in love, not loved, settling for less, and not living up to my own expectations. Not , I wasn’t perfect, but I sure was using my best wisdom, sure wasn’t’ seeking advice from my smart sisters, and I sure was isolating myself from every one I lived. How did I get here?
I know. I ignored myself, my needs, and I didn’t listen to not determine what I wanted, and GO after it. Yet this perceived ‘failure’ was teaching me to respect myself in the future. To ask myself what was important first, then LOVE that, And only that, because it was God’s life first, and then my own, to decide.
This is a writing on the “12 Gems” stories .. this one is on Intuition, and I am taking all year to focus on what it means to “”Receive” and basically, take a look within. To think about how I got to the other side of life’s circumstance, and really began living.
And so here am I.