Worthiness.

Am I worthy?

How do I know?

What I base my  worth upon?

I  began to ask myself these  questions about  my worth when  I   was about thirty five.  I  didn’t stop til I washabout 38.

I used to base it upon   what my ex-husband  thought was  good and acceptable.  Even after I left him. And then, what my girlfriends  considered important, or…  my parents. Even as an adult, I based  my worth upon these people in my life.   I would think whatever anyone important to me thought was  important, it was also important to me, as well.

But I was so wrong.  I matured a bit, and found that  my worth is based more upon things that  God  finds worthy.  God gave me gifts , and one of the was the ability to   trust my instincts.  So…lately, it’s been my ability to discern . I had a very  hard time trusting myself, when  I was  under the age of 37.  Then , one day, that all shifted.  and I decided to begin to prioritize myself . I made some decisions with my purpose  and intentions in mind and I began to  ask myself what I wanted.

One of the  most fearful decisions in my life, was to move on. To not be in relationship with someone, who I truly cared for .  The only issues I had with this, was that I had to decide  how to  love myself more than I loved him.  I realized once I  loved myself fully,  ( I came to this revelation much later and longer after I had left him), that  loving  me felt really good, and  relationships could not dictate my worth. I would not  and could not control  how someone accepts me; and I actually had to grieve this relationship, even if I was not ready for it to end .  The other relationship… Was similar … I didn’t expect that one to end either , but I was confident it was time to end . I wasn’t grateful for these relationships to come to an end, yet they were purposed to do so.

I was so afraid to make a mistake when I decided  something, I thought if I did, my whole life would disintegrate.  I didn’t trust my own thinking.  And so I began to look at the source of that, to determine where I lost the ability to think for me. I realized my fear– “frozen fear”  discounted my worth. That I could not make decisions for myself unless I  first realized I was worthy of those  decisions.     And that  confident place of  worth had to come from deep down, so I asked  God where –  had I neglected myself  and why? And I began even to look at my family of origin and notice patterns of  family neglect and I prayed very hard for those patterns to leave my life.

My relationships were central to my worth in my past, and the relationships that didn’t allow me the freedom to live and  choose for myself –taught me I needed to make a few changes.    Those changes  taught me I needed to  change a few things about my relationships in general. and I’d like to share here those lessons learned :

1. Don’t filter a bad relationship  as a rejection of you as an individual.  Don’t view it as a rejection.   You should filter it through the guise of  hearing someone else speak  about the person you were in relationship, and what they saw  in that person that was not healthy. Hopefully, you will be reminded of the truth and  realize that  you are better off believing the truth, rather than the  lies.

2. Don’t force relationships to exist. If they aren’t going well , or end up  abruptly and unexpectedly ending, receive it. Let it go. It may have a lesson of release in it, but you’ll never know what it was, or wasn’t , until you decide to fully release it.

3. Choices come to us  every day. If we don’t let go , we stifle the growth. And sometimes growth needs to happen  through the conduit of surrender. Without our resistance.  And without our influence .

4.  As you release… you will feel awful. Even in the grieving process … Accept. Grief comes as resolve when you are able to fully surrender. If you don’t surrender, you become stagnant  and sometimes you;ll go back if you resist the release.

5. Be angry. Yell, scream release . Then yell… Scream .. & release again. Do this 20 or more times, until you feel less stifled. Even if you must have a silent scream  Silent screams help too. I  recently took a silent scream within, ( I just couldn’t get it out)… and then I walked in the cold air, breathed and took some of the most beautiful pics I’d  ever taken before. Hmmm… (Maybe my silent scream turned into breathable breaths; because I found anther release.)

6. The worth . Oh yeah… The worth came once I moved into acceptance. Because I knew that the decisions I made were in a spirit of integrity; and  I knew  I was in full consideration, of  everyone involved  but me – i had to back track and ask myself – Do you deserve this? And most of my answers were a resounding YES. I completely let go… and  I decided I didn’t want to carry their baggage around with me, any more .

Sometimes complex relationship ships can confuse you into believing that  something is wrong with YOU. If the integrity factor weighs strong and you know you did what you did out of the goodness of your heart ,  and for the  sake of being your best self. then you’re fine. If you experience oppression in your heart, feel weighted, or its way too painful , then you may need to process and heal from the experience ; with  a healthy heart lending an ear and – listening to your struggle.

And one more thing… this is a wonderful time to RECEIVE. To just be around good, fun-lovin’ people, every chance you get. It balances off all the unhealthy stuff.

I’m linking up with the #GiveMEGrace Community!

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Gayl Wright says:

    “That I could not make decisions for myself unless I first realized I was worthy of those decisions.” It’s so hard when we base our worth on what we think others want or think about us. What freedom comes when we realize our worth is in Christ and we are His beloved! No more worrying about trying to please others and never thinking of ourselves. We are worthy and we need to care for ourselves, not selfishly but in a healthy way. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. I was always doing for others, but not really caring for myself so I would tend to burn out easily. I still sometimes have trouble saying no to something if I’m needed, but God is helping me to see that my needs are important, too. I’m visiting from #GiveMeGrace.

    Like

    1. Wow Gayl … Excellent being “worthy of those decisions.” So true. Thanks for the visit !

      Like

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